Breaking: Local Man Buys Best Subwoofer He’s Ever Heard

Today, local man reports he’s bought the best subwoofer he’s ever heard. Wife apathetic to his joy.

Downtown, NA: A local man, who asked to be kept anonymous, is “thrilled” with his new subwoofer. He spent the last six months researching the purchase. A subwoofer is a specific type of speaker that plays the lowest frequencies that humans can hear. They are often associated with extremely loud cars beloved by “kids” and “hooligans.” Recently, the home theater community has embraced their usage.

“Yeah, I put together an Excel file,” said the man. “It’s at least twenty rows and maybe twice that many columns. That really helped narrow down the choices. This is my first real subwoofer purchase and I’m pretty sure I got the best one. I’m about to post about it on Reddit. I’m sure everyone on there will be jealous.”

Willing to Wait for the Right Deal

The man has added the subwoofer to the growing number of speakers in his “man-cave.” Described by an eyewitness as an “excessive number of speakers. Really, like just way too many,” the man says it’s been the best addition to his system in years.

“I upgraded to Atmos a while ago but that really didn’t do much for me. I added amps, a fancy digital cable, and even painted my walls black. But the new subwoofer…that really did the trick.”

When asked, his wife suggested that she was too busy with her new car to worry about another “stupid” speaker. “He’s always on about them. I mean, who cares? It all sounds the same to me.”

The local man bought the subwoofer after hearing about a sale. “The deal was too good to be true. Sure, it’s probably way too big for my room, and I spent about twice as much as I planned. But that’s just going to make it sound better, right? Plus, I can use it as an end table!”